Almost two years ago now, in the wee hours of my 30th birthday, I sat in a suit and tie and used my cousin’s wife to demonstrate how great I would be at firing people. I had what I believed to be the perfect balance between entertaining myself and leaving no doubt to the person being fired as to what was happening. Here is a description of how I did it. Even though she wasn’t really being fired, I brought her to tears. I can’t remember for sure if she really cried, but I can say for certain she was on the verge.
After telling Lisa the other day that I was good at firing people, it occurred to me that I would get sued for firing people the way I demonstrated that night. I would be called abusive, they would be called traumatized, the whole thing would be an ordeal. All because of the words I used to construct my sentences hurt their feelings. If I used a different set of words to say the same thing, they move on, we part ways, and all is copacetic. But if I use the set of words I used that night, they feel they have a right to ask a court of law to take my money and give it to them…because their feelings were hurt. If that doesn’t prove that they deserved to be mother-fuckin’ fired, I don’t know what does.
